You say you really know me
You're not afraid to show me, what is in your eyes
Be happy alone.
07 July, 2012 / 7/07/2012 01:22:00 am
Hi. Prelims over haha I'm quite sure I fared badly for this prelim. Really gonna buck up and prove those worthless people wrong you know. Not gonna disappoint myself and regret again. So I've sorted out my thinking and settled my feelings yay :-) Not gonna be sad over worthless people. Not gonna post all those emotional stuff because it gets pointless over time. I'm always depressed over friendships problems and all those shit. Always a sensitive crazy woman. What for? People come and go yeah? Why bother be sad over small things when they're tons of better things to dwell on? Some feelings and memories got to be kept and slowly forgotten. Pe a positive lil lady and enjoy every bit of your life, you only live once. Anw I've got to be more appreciative. Many things went back to the track and I'm kind of glad hahaha at least I didn't lose everything. Really thankful of all those friends who bothered help me, considering my attitude, my personality. Im seriously some rotten and lousy kid. I dont have good grades, ain't popular nor smart, not a teachers' fav, have some kind of a bad conduct and such. They could just leave me and laugh at me, but somehow they still bothered t talk to me. Not sure how these will last for me. Not putting any high hopes on people not leaving me because good things never seem to last for me. Single, free, happy. Enjoying the freedom. Oh I bought my one direction album recently. I've got a poster too! The only thing that sucks is that I can't put it up, don't think my mum gna let me fangirl either :/. But at least I've got it right!!! haha see, there're much more things to be happy about in life.
disposables.
30 April, 2012 / 4/30/2012 09:10:00 pm
I wished someone could know how I feel. Someone who will open my heart, as a friend, so I could really pour everything to. I hope to have that friend I can tell.every crap to, tell her/him all those shit I've been going through, cry,laugh and get happy after I talk to her/him. Hah wishful thinking isn't it? I used to tell most of my things to my friend, but now our friendship kind drifted, I can't talk to her anymore. Its like a kind of fear instilled onto me. It could be my fault cuz I was busy with my cca, but hey. I hope she could understand me. I hope she did. Because she was like my companion last yr. But this year, everything changed. And this srsly suck. haha. She was lik the one who made me happy, make me feel appreciated but now she's leaving me hanging there. If you hate me, tell it to me in my face. Don't leave me hanging like a fool. Please.
what makes the whole thing stupid is that I'm actually sad because of a friend. not boyfriend girlfriend or whatever. Just a pure friendship is doing such things to me. What is life.
suddenly
07 April, 2012 / 4/07/2012 10:42:00 pm
//If I die young-The Band Perry. - Suddenly all the emotions come running down. My knees are aching forever. I miss my gran a lot. I can eat until I cry out and tear. I watch tv but I feel nothing. I tried to laugh at comedy shows but nothing comes out. I tried to text my friends but I backspaced everything and deleted every draft. I tried to eat but I feel nothing now. No satisfaction. I tried to go out with my friend but in the end they had other plans so I stayed at home. I tried watching all those onedirection videos which always cheered me up but they don't really help now. I thought of happy things but they turned into sad memories instead. I tried looking into the mirror and smilr and tell myself to cheer up, chin up and have confidence but in the end, I focused on my ugly featured and frown to the mirror thinking that I'm a failure and I don't have anything left. I try everyway I thought of. trust me I did. But its not working. Everytime I stepped into the house I put down the smile I had outside and I'm just so tired. weary eyes and tired heart. I thought everything was fine but it was worse than I thought.
No one is here to now. Three of them aren't here. she isn't there for me anymore, too.
I tried to laugh and smile. but it couldn't last. not anymore. If I don't feel this way. But I got to wear a smile, chin up and continue walking, even if I fall. If I don't feel this way, there's nothing left. Only I can help myself get out of this mess.
Okay I'm so tired. I can practically cry out loud anytime, anywhere. Nah, I won't cry. Why should I cry? lol. No one will ever believe how exhausted I am, trying to keep up with everything, pleasing everyone, not making anymore disappointment, not failing myself again and again. I don't think my friends will ever know how tired I am. okay obviously cuz I'm not convincing enough for anyone. Yes I know that.
I told myself not to cry. I won't cry.
I know where I stand. Not pleasing to anyone. Not convincing enough. Not capable of anything. Not smart enough. No talents, no skills. I can't run. I can't write nice stories. I can't dance. I can't sing. I can't plan. I can't motivate others. I can't teach. I can't influence anyone, nobody. I can't convince. I can't do maths. I can't be confident enough. I can't be efficient. I can't do science. Nothing. I'm someone you'll never remember. I'm someone who is lousy, yeap. I'm someone who is short, fat and ugly but makes dumb and impractical dreams. Nope, its okay. because I know where I stand. No one knows how I feel. But its okay. I know where I stand. I really know.
Today. The way you spoke really made me feel so useless. Its like suddenly I was so incapable of doing anything. Actually since last year you were the one who never fail to make me feel inferior and sad. Its like, you came up to me, as a stranger, made me feel attached to you and then you left with some other people. I'm not being rude or anything but I really kept thinking if you were like using me or somthing cuz w had left you for some other people. I really don't know You keep saying that I was the one that got away while you're the one who is trying very hard, someone who was dependent on us, and all those bullshit. Where we're you when I feel sad and all? Where were you when I felt so helpless? Where were you when I was struggling thru my comp times. Where were you when I needed you the most. You were the one who would just burst through my bubbles of hope when ever I had one. You dampen on my dreams and passion when you was the only one I told you about my dreams. I did so many things and you told straight into my face that it wasn't good enough. Yes all of you may just say that 'because she's close to you that's why she played this kind of joke on you, That's why she dared to say such things to you." Bullshit. i'm not that stupid.
Friends. what friends.
I no longer know who's real and who's fake. Never mind.
I hate you.
I have a lot to say. But I can't say them anywhere because people just judge. Don't tell me all those bullshit like you won't judge or whatever fuck. everybody judged.
//And then after that I broke my promise.
: (
29 March, 2012 / 3/29/2012 09:11:00 pm
"I'm insecure, I know what for" Yes I know. I'm someone who need reassurance from my friends frequently. Its bad because it makes me like some childish person, but yeah. I need people to constantly motivate me, assure me that everything will be fine, and motivate me from time to time. And they can't sound like they're just pacifying me. I hate these kind of fake things and since I'm sensitive, so yeah. Tough right? Ikr.
Didn't go to school today, cuz my stomach was aching like a biatch and I had a fever the previous day so.. yeah. Went to the doc cuz I was feeling unwell but the doc kinda doubt me wtf. okay nvmd. Everybody doubts me. I know right. I don't look convincing enough. I tried to push away all the feelings but I know I can't. I try to be confident but I know I'm not. I'm too sensitive and insecure. I need to change this. / 24Mar2012, Sat ; FAC @ PLMGS. NA2. I told myself not to cry on that day. I didn't cry. Anger was more overwhelming than sadness. okay so I must said that our efforts have been paid off. We got best in f.a!! Okay so we're the only team in NA whose f.a scored like 118.5/150 when others' scored like 80+/90+. SO ITS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF YAY. but we gor 3rd in the end, ehich it wasn't too bad, but its not good either. so yeah. Not saying that we have to get 2nd/1st because I don't think we really deserve it anyway. I mean like we only trained for 3 mths or lesser and other schools like plmgs, scss and all those trained for at least half a yr. of cuz they deserve more right? Of cuz our basics of our f.d h.n f.a have been strong but people imprive too yeah? And yes it is really sad that we lost quite a few marks, okay around 20m at h.n for not prioritizing our things to do properly but then... okay somethings happened in between. Shall not mention. At least we came in third and got a best in f.a!!! considering that we only trained for 3mths and did v.lottle f.a cases... I'M Happy enough alrdy : ). We created history for WWSJ again, No teams have gotten best in f.a before yet alrights :P. okay I'm glad for other teams who have won too~ but I love my NA2'12. Yay n.n / 26 Mar 2012. E-learning day. happy birthday jiarui!!! Okay elearning day is a biatch. yikes. I no longer get ss now gosh. Went to meet eepang aftnoon to study amaths @ jcp mac. ok had a enjoyable day. did some amaths and had a nice chat :). Met up w shawn y and jiarui for dinner. had peper lunch. Tried to celebrate his birthday by decorating a cake @ the icing room for him but then you knw, the four of us ended up squeezing every bit of the icing onto the cake lol. It looks abit gross but hahaha. yeah. Happy birthday jiarui :o) hope he had a memorable day ahaha.
bye n.n
You say you really know me
You're not afraid to show me, what is in your eyes
Be happy alone.
07 July, 2012 / 7/07/2012 01:22:00 am
Hi. Prelims over haha I'm quite sure I fared badly for this prelim. Really gonna buck up and prove those worthless people wrong you know. Not gonna disappoint myself and regret again. So I've sorted out my thinking and settled my feelings yay :-) Not gonna be sad over worthless people. Not gonna post all those emotional stuff because it gets pointless over time. I'm always depressed over friendships problems and all those shit. Always a sensitive crazy woman. What for? People come and go yeah? Why bother be sad over small things when they're tons of better things to dwell on? Some feelings and memories got to be kept and slowly forgotten. Pe a positive lil lady and enjoy every bit of your life, you only live once. Anw I've got to be more appreciative. Many things went back to the track and I'm kind of glad hahaha at least I didn't lose everything. Really thankful of all those friends who bothered help me, considering my attitude, my personality. Im seriously some rotten and lousy kid. I dont have good grades, ain't popular nor smart, not a teachers' fav, have some kind of a bad conduct and such. They could just leave me and laugh at me, but somehow they still bothered t talk to me. Not sure how these will last for me. Not putting any high hopes on people not leaving me because good things never seem to last for me. Single, free, happy. Enjoying the freedom. Oh I bought my one direction album recently. I've got a poster too! The only thing that sucks is that I can't put it up, don't think my mum gna let me fangirl either :/. But at least I've got it right!!! haha see, there're much more things to be happy about in life.
disposables.
30 April, 2012 / 4/30/2012 09:10:00 pm
I wished someone could know how I feel. Someone who will open my heart, as a friend, so I could really pour everything to. I hope to have that friend I can tell.every crap to, tell her/him all those shit I've been going through, cry,laugh and get happy after I talk to her/him. Hah wishful thinking isn't it? I used to tell most of my things to my friend, but now our friendship kind drifted, I can't talk to her anymore. Its like a kind of fear instilled onto me. It could be my fault cuz I was busy with my cca, but hey. I hope she could understand me. I hope she did. Because she was like my companion last yr. But this year, everything changed. And this srsly suck. haha. She was lik the one who made me happy, make me feel appreciated but now she's leaving me hanging there. If you hate me, tell it to me in my face. Don't leave me hanging like a fool. Please.
what makes the whole thing stupid is that I'm actually sad because of a friend. not boyfriend girlfriend or whatever. Just a pure friendship is doing such things to me. What is life.
suddenly
07 April, 2012 / 4/07/2012 10:42:00 pm
//If I die young-The Band Perry. - Suddenly all the emotions come running down. My knees are aching forever. I miss my gran a lot. I can eat until I cry out and tear. I watch tv but I feel nothing. I tried to laugh at comedy shows but nothing comes out. I tried to text my friends but I backspaced everything and deleted every draft. I tried to eat but I feel nothing now. No satisfaction. I tried to go out with my friend but in the end they had other plans so I stayed at home. I tried watching all those onedirection videos which always cheered me up but they don't really help now. I thought of happy things but they turned into sad memories instead. I tried looking into the mirror and smilr and tell myself to cheer up, chin up and have confidence but in the end, I focused on my ugly featured and frown to the mirror thinking that I'm a failure and I don't have anything left. I try everyway I thought of. trust me I did. But its not working. Everytime I stepped into the house I put down the smile I had outside and I'm just so tired. weary eyes and tired heart. I thought everything was fine but it was worse than I thought.
No one is here to now. Three of them aren't here. she isn't there for me anymore, too.
I tried to laugh and smile. but it couldn't last. not anymore. If I don't feel this way. But I got to wear a smile, chin up and continue walking, even if I fall. If I don't feel this way, there's nothing left. Only I can help myself get out of this mess.
Okay I'm so tired. I can practically cry out loud anytime, anywhere. Nah, I won't cry. Why should I cry? lol. No one will ever believe how exhausted I am, trying to keep up with everything, pleasing everyone, not making anymore disappointment, not failing myself again and again. I don't think my friends will ever know how tired I am. okay obviously cuz I'm not convincing enough for anyone. Yes I know that.
I told myself not to cry. I won't cry.
I know where I stand. Not pleasing to anyone. Not convincing enough. Not capable of anything. Not smart enough. No talents, no skills. I can't run. I can't write nice stories. I can't dance. I can't sing. I can't plan. I can't motivate others. I can't teach. I can't influence anyone, nobody. I can't convince. I can't do maths. I can't be confident enough. I can't be efficient. I can't do science. Nothing. I'm someone you'll never remember. I'm someone who is lousy, yeap. I'm someone who is short, fat and ugly but makes dumb and impractical dreams. Nope, its okay. because I know where I stand. No one knows how I feel. But its okay. I know where I stand. I really know.
Today. The way you spoke really made me feel so useless. Its like suddenly I was so incapable of doing anything. Actually since last year you were the one who never fail to make me feel inferior and sad. Its like, you came up to me, as a stranger, made me feel attached to you and then you left with some other people. I'm not being rude or anything but I really kept thinking if you were like using me or somthing cuz w had left you for some other people. I really don't know You keep saying that I was the one that got away while you're the one who is trying very hard, someone who was dependent on us, and all those bullshit. Where we're you when I feel sad and all? Where were you when I felt so helpless? Where were you when I was struggling thru my comp times. Where were you when I needed you the most. You were the one who would just burst through my bubbles of hope when ever I had one. You dampen on my dreams and passion when you was the only one I told you about my dreams. I did so many things and you told straight into my face that it wasn't good enough. Yes all of you may just say that 'because she's close to you that's why she played this kind of joke on you, That's why she dared to say such things to you." Bullshit. i'm not that stupid.
Friends. what friends.
I no longer know who's real and who's fake. Never mind.
I hate you.
I have a lot to say. But I can't say them anywhere because people just judge. Don't tell me all those bullshit like you won't judge or whatever fuck. everybody judged.
//And then after that I broke my promise.
: (
29 March, 2012 / 3/29/2012 09:11:00 pm
"I'm insecure, I know what for" Yes I know. I'm someone who need reassurance from my friends frequently. Its bad because it makes me like some childish person, but yeah. I need people to constantly motivate me, assure me that everything will be fine, and motivate me from time to time. And they can't sound like they're just pacifying me. I hate these kind of fake things and since I'm sensitive, so yeah. Tough right? Ikr.
Didn't go to school today, cuz my stomach was aching like a biatch and I had a fever the previous day so.. yeah. Went to the doc cuz I was feeling unwell but the doc kinda doubt me wtf. okay nvmd. Everybody doubts me. I know right. I don't look convincing enough. I tried to push away all the feelings but I know I can't. I try to be confident but I know I'm not. I'm too sensitive and insecure. I need to change this. / 24Mar2012, Sat ; FAC @ PLMGS. NA2. I told myself not to cry on that day. I didn't cry. Anger was more overwhelming than sadness. okay so I must said that our efforts have been paid off. We got best in f.a!! Okay so we're the only team in NA whose f.a scored like 118.5/150 when others' scored like 80+/90+. SO ITS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF YAY. but we gor 3rd in the end, ehich it wasn't too bad, but its not good either. so yeah. Not saying that we have to get 2nd/1st because I don't think we really deserve it anyway. I mean like we only trained for 3 mths or lesser and other schools like plmgs, scss and all those trained for at least half a yr. of cuz they deserve more right? Of cuz our basics of our f.d h.n f.a have been strong but people imprive too yeah? And yes it is really sad that we lost quite a few marks, okay around 20m at h.n for not prioritizing our things to do properly but then... okay somethings happened in between. Shall not mention. At least we came in third and got a best in f.a!!! considering that we only trained for 3mths and did v.lottle f.a cases... I'M Happy enough alrdy : ). We created history for WWSJ again, No teams have gotten best in f.a before yet alrights :P. okay I'm glad for other teams who have won too~ but I love my NA2'12. Yay n.n / 26 Mar 2012. E-learning day. happy birthday jiarui!!! Okay elearning day is a biatch. yikes. I no longer get ss now gosh. Went to meet eepang aftnoon to study amaths @ jcp mac. ok had a enjoyable day. did some amaths and had a nice chat :). Met up w shawn y and jiarui for dinner. had peper lunch. Tried to celebrate his birthday by decorating a cake @ the icing room for him but then you knw, the four of us ended up squeezing every bit of the icing onto the cake lol. It looks abit gross but hahaha. yeah. Happy birthday jiarui :o) hope he had a memorable day ahaha.
